Jokes

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #18

Author: Laurel Green Date: December 29th, 2015 Time: 8:24 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Funny, Jokes, Pointless, Twitter Comments: 0

MOAR TWEETS

If they can put fruit into a burrito, why can't they put meat in a Pop-Tart? #foodie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 4, 2014

Yeah, Science, get on it already.

When I was a little kid, I thought Jesus was a magical flying baby, who granted wishes and then got crucified. #GoodFriday
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 19, 2014

Now, he’s my least favourite sun god.

And so it came to pass, that on the fourth day, the CLOSED sign was rolled back to reveal the store had been fully restocked. #LiquorMonday
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 21, 2014

Truly, it was the holiest of days.

Was walking the dog last night, when I saw what I thought was a little lost pomeranian, but then it climbed a tree so I didn't mess with it.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 6, 2014

I don’t mess with anything that can pounce on me from above.

Wookie suits are made of human hair? AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! #StarWars
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 6, 2014

Urgh. I was just imagining what that would smell like.

Whoever decided that you shouldn't be able to stick magnets to fridge doors anymore is the worst human.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 9, 2014

Where am I supposed to put my crayon drawings?

Anybody remember that Feelin Alright PSA that made binge drinking look totally sweet? I can't find it anywhere on the interbutts.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 12, 2014

I have such nostalgia for commercial breaks.

In ancient times, was being a jerk and not letting people cross a bridge, unless they solved a riddle, an actual job? #history
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 23, 2014

I want to go back in time and be the guy who leaves caches of enchanted weapons in random places.

I'm allergic to grass. I'm physiologically a nerd.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 24, 2014

You should see how much my face swells up when I mow the lawn.

Why doesn't minesweeper have a no 50/50 mode?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 30, 2014

I will sit there with my indecisiveness until the time reads “999”.

BYE!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #17

Author: Laurel Green Date: December 22nd, 2015 Time: 9:24 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Insane, Jokes, Technology, Twitter Comments: 0

Re-reading my tweets because I can never remember things that I have said before. I am always repeating myself.

I need a British person to explain the appeal of Countdown to me, because it looks like the most boring show of all time.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 10, 2014

So, it’s like Boggle, only different?

Countdown, the show where you win a teapot, but you already have a teapot because you're British.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 10, 2014

Seriously, that’s the grand prize, a stupid teapot.

I've got a great idea! Make it so that people have to move their eyes in a spirally zigzag motion to read things in chronological order!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 12, 2014

I really, really hate tessellated website layouts and I talk about it a lot.

My whole life I've wanted to suplex someone. #wrestling #silly #MachoMadness
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 19, 2014

Preferably my little brother.

My knee smells like sweet and sour pork. #Foodie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 1, 2014

I did it. I ate my knee. I can’t walk now.

They need to make the Puppy Academy Awards for the rest of us to watch. #Oscars
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 3, 2014

I wonder if Leonardo DiCaprio would be more like to win a Puppy Academy Award.

Quick oats take longer to cook than minute oats? What kind of horrible universe is this!? #cooking
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 6, 2014

This is truly a frightening and unjust universe.

It still astounds me, every time I read about it, that there was actual mass hysteria over supposed satanic cults in the 80s.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 27, 2014

Yes, seriously, people in the US were arrested and went to jail for being accused of satanic worship in the 1980s. Most of the convictions were overturned, but there’s at least one person still in jail, I believe.

At what age will it become acceptable for me to just wear a velour tracksuit everywhere? #fashion
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) March 27, 2014

I want to dress like an old, lazy mafia guy.

Is it a joke? Yes, all the things are jokes, not just today, but every day. #AprilFools #Ennui
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) April 1, 2014

Wow. This is like philosophical, or something.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #16

Author: Laurel Green Date: December 15th, 2015 Time: 10:18 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Jokes, Twitter, weather, Web 2.0 Comments: 0

Postin’ muh twitz hur, because I donnae like Twitter’s infinite scroll.

I'm in your room touching all your stuff.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 12, 2014

Really, you can’t leave me alone at all.

Ah, the heavenly days when the brown sugar is fresh and supple, before it becomes an invulnerable adamantine brick.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 14, 2014

I need to get me some vacuum-sealed containers.

1 star – There was too much on my hands >:(
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 18, 2014

This is funnier without context.

Does an ampersand count as a word?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 20, 2014

And do an percent sign or a dollar sign?

I was walking to the store in a full-on blizzard and some lady yelled at me because I wouldn't stop and look at what her kid was doing.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 29, 2014

This was a really bizarre event. It was during the Polar Vortex and some little brat shouted something at me, which I didn’t hear because I was bundled-up in 17 layers. The next thing I know, his mom is insanely angry at me because I wouldn’t stop and watch what her little rugrat was doing. And to top it all off, the stupid kid was playing right in the middle of the street. There weren’t any cars because of all the snow, but it was kinda likely that a plow might round the corner and smush the kid.

Hand wash? Lay flat to dry? Why, this cotton tank top has delusions of grandeur!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 1, 2014

Everything goes in the washer and dryer. EVERYTHING.

They make breakfast burritos, but do they make breakfast tacos?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 1, 2014

I am not a morning person. Invent for me more lazy morning foods.

ARE YOU FOOTBALL FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 2, 2014

FOOTBALL!

Someone should come over to my house and pick all the carrots out of my bag of mixed vegetables.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 2, 2014

I am a giant child.

I don't trust Fake Wiarton Willie. #GroundhogDay
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 2, 2014

Remember that time Wiarton Willie died and they replaced him with an imposter. Canadian conspiracies are silly.

THAZ ALL!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #15

Author: Laurel Green Date: November 3rd, 2015 Time: 11:12 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Jokes, Pets, Social media, Twitter Comments: 0

Backing up my tweets because of my paranoia about losing things forever.

Poor dog, using the slow cooker is like torture to him. 8 hours of delicious roast smell wafting through the house.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 26, 2013

It’s really very heartbreaking to watch him search all over the house for beef for hours.

Hey Americans, one word: turduckenstrich.
Make it happen.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 27, 2013

Americans, always shoving things up other things’ arses.

I only have exactly one curve. I'm only half real. I'm trapped between worlds!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 29, 2013

I have no idea what I meant by this.

Argh. The Twelve Days of Christmas start AFTER Christmas Day. AFTER!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 17, 2013

Something. Something. The Epiphany.

They need to make tiny turkeys for single people. Also, for spoiling the cat.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 22, 2013

And don’t tell me to get a chicken, because turkey tastes way better than chicken.

Why is the grocery store out of ketchup? What are people eating on Christmas that requires ketchup?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 23, 2013

I was buying groceries for the whole week, not just Christmas, so I don’t count here.

Merry {INSERT PAGAN WINTER SOLSTICE CELEBRATION HERE} and {INSERT SNARKY COMMENT HERE}!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 25, 2013

Ask me about my views on religion.

Jim Varney could have been great. He was never given a chance. Jim Varney could have been great.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 27, 2013

Greatest actor ever. I will fight you.

They need to invent bed technology that can replicate the feeling of lying in a sunbeam.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 2, 2014

I’m basically a giant, lazy cat.

Pale, gangly men seem to be really in right now. Why not pale, gangly women? I'd be set for life!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 6, 2014

Stop trying to convince me that Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston are super sexy. They look like they need to be spoonfed some soup.

All for now. Perhaps, all for ever.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #14

Author: Laurel Green Date: October 28th, 2015 Time: 3:10 AM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: Jokes, Social media, Twitter, Web 2.0, World Wide Web Comments: 0

I like backing up my tweets here, because my website is way less annoying that Twitter. Infinite scroll my ass.

TWEETDECK FOR ANDROID DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE! GRAGH!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 25, 2013

I’m still pissed off about this. Tweetdeck was my favourite Twitter app. It was lightweight, fast and it didn’t have any stupid nonsense like sponsored posts. The only app I get madder about is the death of Google Reader.

When I am in charge, we will have a scouring pad that is only for mugs. #dishwashing #cleanliness #petpeeves #foodparticles #iuseamugfortea
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 31, 2013

Seriously, it can’t be sanitary to be wiping something imbued with rotten meat chunks all over a cup.

They subtitle British accents on American TV, but I think that if you can't understand a British accent, you probably can't read either.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 5, 2013

Then again, I can’t understand many southern American accents.

Facebook is starting to seem like Silent Hill; The only people that haven't evacuated yet are the religious cultists and the monsters.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 6, 2013

Does everyone’s mom count as a monster?

I don't think that cinnamon rolls should have raisins in them. NO baked goods should have raisins in them. #ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 8, 2013

Just stop putting rotten fruit in everything. It just makes things horrible.

Wait… Does Comic Serif exist?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 29, 2013

Comic Serif does exist. I have gazed upon its hideousness.

Having pushed energy drinks as far as they can go, they are now making chill-out drinks with melatonin. Awesome! Mix'em with alcohol, kids!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 20, 2013

Enjoy your forever sleep, kiddoes.

I don't understand Trapper Keepers. Why not use a binder? Did paper with holes not exist yet?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 22, 2013

Can somebody for the 80s please explain this to me? Trapper Keepers just seem to over-complicate everything.

Cheese sauce: it's either water or tar. There is no middle ground.#food #dairy #cooking #fail
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 31, 2013

I picked the spoon up and the bowl came with it.

Tweeznax is coming! Tweeznax is coming! Make way for the Lapicnirp Namrehs!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 3, 2013

If you know what this is a reference to, you win one entire internet.

Done for now.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #13

Author: Laurel Green Date: September 15th, 2015 Time: 9:34 PM Modified: 2015-09-15T21:38:28-04:00 Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, inane, Jokes, Movies, Twitter Comments: 0

The past has returned. The past of twitter.

Why hasn't science developed a Montréal-style smoked meat sandwich that I can eat for every meal without have a massive cardiac event?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 16, 2013

I would eat a sandwich for every meal, if I could.

I've never worn a sweater vest.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) May 19, 2013

And, yet, I don’t feel like I’ve missed much.

I think that Neelix was underutilized on Star Trek: Voyager.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 1, 2013

I actually think that Ethan Phillips is a really good actor.

I'm tired of everything being darker and edgier. I want things to be lighter and fluffier!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 11, 2013

Robocop 2 where every character is played by a fluffy kitten!

I had a dream that Bootsy Collins and George Clinton had their own starships. They got in a fight. Picard was sent to mediate he speaks funk
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 11, 2013

Actually, I think that this is an event that happened in real life.

Those stupid wheelers from Return to Oz were the only things in a movie that ever scared me as a child.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 13, 2013

And we used to watch R-rated movies all the time, because I have an older brother and sister, too. But those damn wheeler bastards…

Bruce Willis sure is skinny in the first Die Hard.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 15, 2013

One day I’m going to go on a rant about how I think that action stars have gotten way too bulky.

Oh no, Doink has died. Doink was my favourite wrestler. :'(
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 30, 2013

Remember when the wrestling clown would fight the voodoo priest? The 90s were stupid.

Depressed Goblin Nightmare Boy
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 2, 2013

What’s the polar opposite of quirky?

One day I want to own every kind of kitchen doohickey.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 3, 2013

I need me one of those cake pop makers.

Well, that’s all for now. GOODBYE!

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Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #18

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