Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #30

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TWEWBS!

They were very old and unsexy people. Come to think of it… One of them may have just needed special pillows for a back problem.

And now he’s dead.

Was his last movie Independence Day 2? That’s sad.

I only care if they find life if that life happens to also be tasty.

Can you get Botox injections inside your nose?

You might think that I eat an awful lot of Halloween candy for an adult. And you’d be right.

I’ve had a certain tab open for about two years now. I can’t close it because of nostalgia.

And about a quarter of those are Wincest images.

Did you know that many teas are actually supposed to be steeped at less than 100 degrees? Also never wash your teapot.

Kids are all super fat these days, so I guess it’s not that bad that the Halloween candy is getting smaller.

 

GRAGH!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #25

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GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hey, it’s 1 extra pixel causing a horizontal scrollbar… I’ma gonna go shoot myself in the face.

I haven’t been able to fit a cellphone in my pocket in 10 years.

I forget what this was about, but I expected to see a green alien sticking its tongue out at me and instead I got a bunch of smug, plastic humans.

I also duel-wield celery. I’m highly proficient in vegetable combat.

Well, Time doesn’t so much as march as it flounces about haughtily, the bitch.

Do people not put ketchup on things? I used to have this shitty boyfriend who had to make a comment every time I put ketchup on something, because he thought it was weird.

I’ve been to Facebook, but I’ve never been to me.

The crust on frozen pizza never does what it’s supposed to do, but if I attempted to make my own pizza, I’d probably burn the house down.

I left that Clamato in there even after I moved out. I hope that someone has fun with it.

Half an hour. Then I needed to get more pizza.

 

MURP! GURP! DURP!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #24

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I’ma keep doing this until you like it.

Can someone tell me how the Hell Friendster metamorphosized into an Asian gaming website?

It’s only $0.88.

Lousy Polar Vortex…

I should have just paid for a plow or some neighbour kid to take care of it.

The snowbank was about 6 feet high. I was worried he was going to break his neck.

It Canada, our celebrity albino groundhog died unexpectedly just before Groundhog day, so they tried to pass an new groundhog off as the old one, but people could tell the difference. It was quite the controversy. Canada is adorable.

My grandfather had his first heart attack in his 30s. I probably shouldn’t do things like this.

A group of crows is called a “murder”. This a fact that people constantly feel the need to inform be of, as if I didn’t already learn it as a small child. I read books once and a while, you know.

There has to be a better way!

Why does every can opener break in the middle of the night, when I only have soup in the house and I can’t go out to get more food?

 

And now I shall return to my evil deeds!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #23

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I think that I have obsessive compulsive disorder.

Remember the Hell that was 2015?

…What?

…Who?

Remember that creepy Pregnant Barbie?

Skipper isn’t even a name.

I like my Kens blond and dumb as a post.

It’s “brunet”, but I prefer to say “brunbro”.

My fighting clothes are dangerous eye irritants.

The house that I grew up in didn’t even have a doorbell.

I are good at cooking!

 

Blargh bloog bloop!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #22

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Nobody tweets like me. Nobody.

This is the type of thing I think is clever when I have a head cold.

Just when you think that the world has hit peak hipster…

I have fixed-gear rollerblades.

Oh, you don’t like it when people are out late, officer? Well, the dog has to pee when the dog has to pee.

Christmas is even creepier, though. Santa, snowmen and reindeer on a drought-ravaged lawn is just eerie.

You should see my guns.

You know Laurel, when most people go crazy, they do something fun like chew someone’s face off. You just do things like stick a div inside a div inside a div inside a div…

And then they did it again on two other separate occasions. So, basically, someone was puking in front of my house on purpose. I heard them once at about 4AM. I considered calling the police, but they would probably be long gone by the time the police showed up and what would you even charge them with?

And since it was winter, it froze and stayed there for weeks. Judging by how pink it was, this person was eating a lot of shrimp.

This is a story you needed to hear.

German compound words are fun!

I’m a lovely human being.

 

 

And now to return to my lair!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #16

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Postin’ muh twitz hur, because I donnae like Twitter’s infinite scroll.

Really, you can’t leave me alone at all.

I need to get me some vacuum-sealed containers.

This is funnier without context.

And do an percent sign or a dollar sign?

This was a really bizarre event. It was during the Polar Vortex and some little brat shouted something at me, which I didn’t hear because I was bundled-up in 17 layers. The next thing I know, his mom is insanely angry at me because I wouldn’t stop and watch what her little rugrat was doing. And to top it all off, the stupid kid was playing right in the middle of the street. There weren’t any cars because of all the snow, but it was kinda likely that a plow might round the corner and smush the kid.

Everything goes in the washer and dryer. EVERYTHING.

I am not a morning person. Invent for me more lazy morning foods.

FOOTBALL!

I am a giant child.

Remember that time Wiarton Willie died and they replaced him with an imposter. Canadian conspiracies are silly.

 

 

THAZ ALL!