I don’t know if you guys know this, but I’m 1/8th squirrel. In fact, with just a little makeup, I can pass for squirrel. This has granted me unprecedented access to the secret inner workings of squirrel society. And here’s the thing: We should be worried about the squirrels.
We thought that the squirrels were content to frolic and engage in cute shenanigans for our amusement. How wrong we were. While we were pointing and giggling at their cute, fluffy tails, a terrifying, seething anger was growing in the heart of every squirrel. Squirrels are a proud people and being made the butt of a joke is an affront to their stringent system of honour. All actions in squirrel society are conducted under a certain etiquette and with respect to all parties involved.
You may be saying to yourself, “Meh. Squirrels are so tiny, what can they possibly do about their stupid squirrel grievances?” You’re about to eat those words my friend. During my undercover work, I discovered that the squirrel have a very advanced nuclear weapon program and they’re beginning their first bomb tests in the coming weeks.
And there’s nothing we can do to stop the coming nuclear squirrel apocalypse. They’re dead-set on their vengeance and will be laughing at our burning bones from their lead-lined knotholes.
Our only choice is to steal the space ark technology from our nearest galactic neighbours, the Cromulentians. It will make void the Stellar Compassion Treat of 1847, but it’s the only way to ensure the continued survival of our species.
Eric J. is a million feet tall. He put the stars in the sky.
Eric J. controls the weather.
Eric J. can never find his glasses, but he can will some new ones into existence.
Eric J. has finish every crossword puzzle conceivable.
Eric J. is kind to animals, even abominations created in a mad scientist’s lab.
Eric J. invented a new flavour.
Eric J. is the new sound.
Eric J. can fly under his own power.
Eric J. can see all possible futures.
Eric J. caught a foul ball at the Yankees game.
Eric J. can breathe the bubbles in pop.
Eric J. has never lost a sock.
Eric J. fought God and won.
Eric J. met Cher and ate her.
Eric J. had a thousand wives who were all cats.
Eric J. went to the moon twice.
Eric J. has his own island.
Eric J. can live on bread alone.
Eric J. has five arms.
Eric J. is a self-made mad, literally.
Eric J. can survive in a vacuum.
Eric J. has the highest power level.
Eric J. plays three guitars at once.
Eric J.’s uncle works for Nintendo.
Eric J. laid down his sword.
Eric J. is a Borg.
Eric J. has an infinite capacity for love.
Eric J. sunk the Titanic.
Eric J. prevented World War 3.
Eric J. is the best at every video game.
Eric J. can even.
Eric J. can swallow time.
Eric J. has the shiniest shoes.
Eric J. saved Christmas.
Eric J. fed the hungry, with his own milk.
Eric J. has seen the entire internet.
Eric J. can desalinate water with his magic tears.
Eric J. is a unicorn.
Eric J. is the girl next door.
Eric J. has ten opposable digits.
Eric J. can do anything, except spell his name with a “k”.
- Share a malt with your best gal
- Play soccer
- Volunteer with your local youth group
- Snipe hunt
- Build a treehouse
- Plant some hemlock
- Train prairie dogs to do your bidding
- Commandeer a small aircraft
- Check on your moonshine
- Try new and interesting wild mushrooms
- Dig a giant hole
- Glue pennies to the sidewalk
- Break into the ape enclosure at the zoo
- Look for treasure
- Make a dress out of bees
- Sing to old people, even if they tell you to stop
- Get involved in a daring caper
- Skip everywhere
- Pick wildflowers and leave them as a tribute to a mailbox
- Stand in the middle of a crowd and stare in one direction for hours
- Rotate your giant compost heap
- Take up falconry
- Go to the town square and view the public execution
- Build a church to one of the old gods
- Impromptu Maypole
- Follow some breadcrumbs
- Find that witch that’s been stealing everyone’s firstborn and tell her to knock it off
- Steal the gnome’s hat
- Get your busker license and busk
- Watch some TV
Are you out purchasing Christmas gifts yet? Well, you should be! The survival of our entire economy and, thus, very society relies on malls having a profitable Christmas season.
And aren’t material goods just the best? You can make a person think that you care for them without showing any true affection to them with material goods. Did we mention our blowout sale on diamonds? Diamonds are always a safe bet, because you don’t have to know anything about a person’s favourite colour or personal style, if you get them a giant diamond. Sparkly sparkly. Expensive expensive.
Tired of your annoying wiener kids? Get them a tablet or a game console, so that they can self-medicate their ADHD with constant stimulation. Later, get them a Fitbit for when they start embarrassing you with their unsightly fat asses from sitting around all day.
And don’t forget to keep stuffing your faces with meat and candy. As long as you’re chewing, you don’t have to talk to your relatives. This helps preventing slip-ups where you tell people what you really think and your great aunt gets all offended and junk and then your mother bitches at you about it for the rest of eternity.
Always stop of at the dollar store for stocking stuffer doohickeys. I guarantee you that they won’t end up in the junk drawer by February.
Anyway, buy me a widescreen TV. I, actually, need one. Because I have to watch things for research and stuff. Yeah, that’s it.
- Orange Juice
- Moon Rocks
- Space Junk
- Abstract Concepts
- Roller Skates
- Nail Clippers