Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #17

Re-reading my tweets because I can never remember things that I have said before. I am always repeating myself.

So, it’s like Boggle, only different?

Seriously, that’s the grand prize, a stupid teapot.

I really, really hate tessellated website layouts and I talk about it a lot.

Preferably my little brother.

I did it. I ate my knee. I can’t walk now.

I wonder if Leonardo DiCaprio would be more like to win a Puppy Academy Award.

This is truly a frightening and unjust universe.

Yes, seriously, people in the US were arrested and went to jail for being accused of satanic worship in the 1980s. Most of the convictions were overturned, but there’s at least one person still in jail, I believe.

I want to dress like an old, lazy mafia guy.

Wow. This is like philosophical, or something.

The Squirrels are About to Overthrow their Oppressors

I don’t know if you guys know this, but I’m 1/8th squirrel. In fact, with just a little makeup, I can pass for squirrel. This has granted me unprecedented access to the secret inner workings of squirrel society. And here’s the thing: We should be worried about the squirrels.

We thought that the squirrels were content to frolic and engage in cute shenanigans for our amusement. How wrong we were. While we were pointing and giggling at their cute, fluffy tails, a terrifying, seething anger was growing in the heart of every squirrel. Squirrels are a proud people and being made the butt of a joke is an affront to their stringent system of honour. All actions in squirrel society are conducted under a certain etiquette and with respect to all parties involved.

You may be saying to yourself, “Meh. Squirrels are so tiny, what can they possibly do about their stupid squirrel grievances?” You’re about to eat those words my friend. During my undercover work, I discovered that the squirrel have a very advanced nuclear weapon program and they’re beginning their first bomb tests in the coming weeks.

And there’s nothing we can do to stop the coming nuclear squirrel apocalypse. They’re dead-set on their vengeance and will be laughing at our burning bones from their lead-lined knotholes.

Our only choice is to steal the space ark technology from our nearest galactic neighbours, the Cromulentians. It will make void the Stellar Compassion Treat of 1847, but it’s the only way to ensure the continued survival of our species.

The World Famous Eric J.

Eric J. is a million feet tall. He put the stars in the sky.

Eric J. controls the weather.

Eric J. can never find his glasses, but he can will some new ones into existence.

Eric J. has finish every crossword puzzle conceivable.

Eric J. is kind to animals, even abominations created in a mad scientist’s lab.

Eric J. invented a new flavour.

Eric J. is the new sound.

Eric J. can fly under his own power.

Eric J. can see all possible futures.

Eric J. caught a foul ball at the Yankees game.

Eric J. can breathe the bubbles in pop.

Eric J. has never lost a sock.

Eric J. fought God and won.

Eric J. met Cher and ate her.

Eric J. had a thousand wives who were all cats.

Eric J. went to the moon twice.

Eric J. has his own island.

Eric J. can live on bread alone.

Eric J. has five arms.

Eric J. is a self-made mad, literally.

Eric J. can survive in a vacuum.

Eric J. has the highest power level.

Eric J. plays three guitars at once.

Eric J.’s uncle works for Nintendo.

Eric J. laid down his sword.

Eric J. is a Borg.

Eric J. has an infinite capacity for love.

Eric J. sunk the Titanic.

Eric J. prevented World War 3.

Eric J. is the best at every video game.

Eric J. can even.

Eric J. can swallow time.

Eric J. has the shiniest shoes.

Eric J. saved Christmas.

Eric J. fed the hungry, with his own milk.

Eric J. has seen the entire internet.

Eric J. can desalinate water with his magic tears.

Eric J. is a unicorn.

Eric J. is the girl next door.

Eric J. has ten opposable digits.

Eric J. can do anything, except spell his name with a “k”.

Fun Things to Do On a Sunny Day

  • Share a malt with your best gal
  • Play soccer
  • Volunteer with your local youth group
  • Snipe hunt
  • Build a treehouse
  • Plant some hemlock
  • Train prairie dogs to do your bidding
  • Commandeer a small aircraft
  • Check on your moonshine
  • Try new and interesting wild mushrooms
  • Dig a giant hole
  • Glue pennies to the sidewalk
  • Break into the ape enclosure at the zoo
  • Look for treasure
  • Make a dress out of bees
  • Sing to old people, even if they tell you to stop
  • Get involved in a daring caper
  • Skip everywhere
  • Pick wildflowers and leave them as a tribute to a mailbox
  • Stand in the middle of a crowd and stare in one direction for hours
  • Rotate your giant compost heap
  • Take up falconry
  • Go to the town square and view the public execution
  • Build a church to one of the old gods
  • Impromptu Maypole
  • Follow some breadcrumbs
  • Find that witch that’s been stealing everyone’s firstborn and tell her to knock it off
  • Steal the gnome’s hat
  • Get your busker license and busk
  • Watch some TV

Why I Don’t Wanna Write

  • I’m Lazy
  • Y’all Ain’t Paying Me Anything
  • They’re Watching Me
  • My Fingers Are Broken
  • I’ve Outsourced My Writing to India
  • Everything that Can be Said has Been Said
  • I Only Know Unspeakable Words
  • Packets Keep Being Lost
  • In Too Busy Saving the world
  • The World is About to End
  • Writing is Dead
  • There are Gremlins in the Machine
  • I Can’t Find a Pen
  • Shia LaBeouf Keeps Plagiarising Me
  • All Week be Destroyed by the Passage of Time
  • Why Write when I Can Dance?
  • I’m Too Busy Eating
  • You Don’t Have to Write a Script Before You Start Shooting the Film Nowadays
  • I’ve Decided to Start Communicating Via Telepathy
  • Only the Squirrels Really Understand Me
  • You can Already Read My Mind
  • My Ghostwriter has been Ressurected
  • Nobody has an Attention Span Anymore