Jokes

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #24

Author: Laurel Green Date: December 27th, 2016 Time: 11:36 PM Modified: 2016-12-28T00:09:49-05:00 Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Jokes, Twitter, Web 2.0, winter Comments: 1

I’ma keep doing this until you like it.

Hey, my old Friendster account still exists, but Friendster is something different and weird now. #BlortSnort
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 24, 2015

Can someone tell me how the Hell Friendster metamorphosized into an Asian gaming website?

Store brand cola #foodie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 26, 2015

It’s only $0.88.

Well, delivery duder I did my best to dig out a pathway, but the snowbank is a solid block of ice and I ain’t giving myself a heart attack.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 30, 2015

Lousy Polar Vortex…

In other news: I just bashed through a giant ice block with the claw of a hammer. Who wants to squeeze my muscle?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 30, 2015

I should have just paid for a plow or some neighbour kid to take care of it.

Well, delivery guy just decided to park in a weird place and climb over the snowbank. All my efforts were for nought. NOUGHT!
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 30, 2015

The snowbank was about 6 feet high. I was worried he was going to break his neck.

Who cares what imposter Wiarton Willie has to say?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 2, 2015

It Canada, our celebrity albino groundhog died unexpectedly just before Groundhog day, so they tried to pass an new groundhog off as the old one, but people could tell the difference. It was quite the controversy. Canada is adorable.

I just put barbecue sauce with bacon bits in it on some pork ribs. #foodie #FoodBlort
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 3, 2015

My grandfather had his first heart attack in his 30s. I probably shouldn’t do things like this.

To Mock a Killingbird
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 3, 2015

A group of crows is called a “murder”. This a fact that people constantly feel the need to inform be of, as if I didn’t already learn it as a small child. I read books once and a while, you know.

There’s a guy across the street who’s on his roof shoveling snow. It’s causing me anxiety.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 5, 2015

There has to be a better way!

I hate every can opener.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) February 8, 2015

Why does every can opener break in the middle of the night, when I only have soup in the house and I can’t go out to get more food?

And now I shall return to my evil deeds!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #23

Author: Laurel Green Date: December 6th, 2016 Time: 11:53 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Jokes, nonsense, Web 2.0, weird Comments: 0

I think that I have obsessive compulsive disorder.

Everyone start complaining about how real life isn't like Back to the Future Part II and don't stop for the rest of the year. #HappyNewYear
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 1, 2015

Remember the Hell that was 2015?

What if instead of fighting #Highlander just decided to eat a whole bunch and after a couple of centuries he fills an entire room because…
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 14, 2015

…What?

Blintzes of the Universe #Fatlander
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 14, 2015

…Who?

Worst #Barbie sister: Skipper, Stacie or Kelly (who totally isn’t her daughter born out of wedlock)?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 15, 2015

Remember that creepy Pregnant Barbie?

Ehn, who am I kidding? We all know that Skipper is #Barbie’s worst sister.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 15, 2015

Skipper isn’t even a name.

Brunette Ken can go to Hell. #Barbie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 15, 2015

I like my Kens blond and dumb as a post.

Wait… What’s the male version of “brunette”? #genderpolitics
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 15, 2015

It’s “brunet”, but I prefer to say “brunbro”.

I’m wearing a hot pink hoodie, burgundy pants and purple socks. Who wants to rumble? #FashionMaven
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 15, 2015

My fighting clothes are dangerous eye irritants.

Hey, kids still play ding dong ditch. That’s adorable. #Scamps
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 15, 2015

The house that I grew up in didn’t even have a doorbell.

Ketchup + plum sauce + spices = barbecue sauce, right? #foodie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) January 22, 2015

I are good at cooking!

Blargh bloog bloop!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #22

Author: Laurel Green Date: November 29th, 2016 Time: 11:45 PM Modified: 2016-11-30T01:18:52-05:00 Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Gross, Jokes, Social media, Web 2.0 Comments: 0

Nobody tweets like me. Nobody.

Feeling icky. Need soup nutrients. Snouptrients.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 5, 2014

This is the type of thing I think is clever when I have a head cold.

Multi-gear unicycles are a thing that exist.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 10, 2014

Just when you think that the world has hit peak hipster…

Hipsters: fixed-gear bicycles and multi-gear unicycles.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 10, 2014

I have fixed-gear rollerblades.

A police car just sidled up to me to check if I was a youngin out to cause trouble. Jokes on them, I'm an oldie out to cause trouble.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 31, 2014

Oh, you don’t like it when people are out late, officer? Well, the dog has to pee when the dog has to pee.

Photos of people trick-or-treating in places like LA where they don't get autumn sure are eerie. #halloween
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 1, 2014

Christmas is even creepier, though. Santa, snowmen and reindeer on a drought-ravaged lawn is just eerie.

I just carried 20 litres of liquid and a pound of butter up a hill. Where's my medal? #crazy
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 6, 2014

You should see my guns.

Looking over some old code of mine and wondering seriously whether I wrote it amidst dissociative state.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 8, 2014

You know Laurel, when most people go crazy, they do something fun like chew someone’s face off. You just do things like stick a div inside a div inside a div inside a div…

Bleh. Somebody blew chunks on the sidewalk right outside the house. #alcoholism
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 7, 2014

And then they did it again on two other separate occasions. So, basically, someone was puking in front of my house on purpose. I heard them once at about 4AM. I considered calling the police, but they would probably be long gone by the time the police showed up and what would you even charge them with?

And since it was winter, it froze and stayed there for weeks. Judging by how pink it was, this person was eating a lot of shrimp.

This is a story you needed to hear.

My mom got me schokoladenkränze mit nonpareille.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 23, 2014

German compound words are fun!

My last words are a fart.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 30, 2014

I’m a lovely human being.

And now to return to my lair!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #21

Author: Laurel Green Date: November 22nd, 2016 Time: 11:51 PM Modified: 2016-11-23T00:16:04-05:00 Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: beverages, Canada, Jokes, Social media, Twitter Comments: 0

Sure, posting my favourite old tweets is stupid and pointless, but I’m bored, so whatever.

The net value of the universe may be nothing. Good thing we all get a cut of the gross.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 23, 2014

I DON’T KNOW HOW ECONOMICS WORKS!

Cucumber vodka was a poor choice. #alcohol
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 31, 2014

I just can’t resist weird beverages.

Cucumber vodka makes every drink a salad. #alcohol
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) August 31, 2014

It’s true. When mixed with orange pop, cucumber vodka tastes like a madarin salad.

Ah, old websites proudly proclaiming "valid HTML", we used to have standards.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 5, 2014

Did you know that it’s actually impossible to create a Tumblr theme that’s 100% valid html? Seriously, just the Like button itself is full of errors.

animated twerking ice cream cone gif
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 21, 2014

…what?

Let's make #butts a priority.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 22, 2014

It’s the world’s most important subject.

Basically, Scottish people are Klingons. #Outlander
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 22, 2014

My ancestors belonged to a proud warrior race.

Whistling is literally the worst thing that a human being can do.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 23, 2014

And I’m not just saying that because I can’t whistle properly.

I put vodka in some ginger ale, so, like,… It's regular ale now?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) September 28, 2014

I’m a regular ole mixologist and junk.

I went to the grocery store and there were no milk bags, only jugs. I don't know my own country anymore. #DarkestTimeline #Canada
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 1, 2014

Jugs take up so much room in the garbage. I hate them so much.

I may see you again. I may not. Who knows in these dark days?

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #19

Author: Laurel Green Date: January 5th, 2016 Time: 9:51 PM Category: Twitter Timewarp Tuesday Tags: food, Funny, Jokes, Stupid, Twitter Comments: 0

This is the form that my boredom takes.

My superpower is that I can get sea shanties stuck in people's heads. #nonsense
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 1, 2014

It’s revenge for having The Girl from Ipanema stuck in my head for 10 years.

Ugh. Why did I get the Twizzlers with the goo inside? #candy
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 3, 2014

Nothing is improved through the addition of goo.

People are terrified of the production logos at the end of old cartoons? Actual thing or Internet hoax? #phobias
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) June 6, 2014

This “scary logos” thing can’t possibly be real, can it? It just seems so stupid.

Yeah, Internet, you can try as hard as you want, but you're never going to convince me that capybaras are #cute.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 3, 2014

Icky, giant guinea pigs.

I was supposed to be getting supplies for #HurricaneArthur, but I came back with beer instead.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 4, 2014

Beer has very important nutrients in it.

Why do storms only ever have white people names? #HurricaneArthur
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 4, 2014

This probably isn’t true, but I’m not looking up all the names of all the different storms.

Dammit, the power has been knocked out already? How will my beer stay cold!? #HurricaneArthur
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 5, 2014

I almost died.

Chicken fingers can be breakfast too. #foodie
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 9, 2014

I live like a frat boy.

People think that they can eat ice cream and walk at the same time, but they can't. #annoyances
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 24, 2014

Tourists are the worst.

#shartnado
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 31, 2014

#carpnado
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) July 31, 2014

I go do other things now.

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Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #24

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