Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #12

Twitter.

Making my website load that itty-bitty fraction of a second faster was well worth the trouble.

Or sometimes you’re a fairy, I guess.

New Text Document has about a thousand identical twin brothers.

The Devil runs a pawnshop.

I don’t have an unhealthy obsession with Jeff Goldblum. Obsessing over Jeff Goldblum is the healthiest thing that a human can do.

The Darkest Timeline has no sandwiches.

Seriously, it’s stuck in my head at this very moment.

Wow. It’s like a visual pun or something.

Window wells: because you like to watch as your basement gets flooded.

The answer is: eggs.

 

ALL FOR NOW.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #11

Twit to the twat. Tweeter to the twoot.

All I remember about Who’s the Boss is that it is a thing that existed.

And the rich kids are always trying to ruin our fun.

Is this funny? I don’t understand religion.

I’m always full of cold cuts, in any case.

The only instrument that I know how to play is the clarinet… badly.

MR. MIME

Next, I’m going to learn the mouth trumpet.

I need a bacon infusion.

Well. You do.

Do they have pancakes in space?

GRAGH! ARGH! GRRRRRRR!

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #9

Yay! Stupid Twitter now doesn’t show all tweets when you d an advance search. Gee, I really love it when algorithms decide what I want to see for me.

Bleh. Back to the “scroll down for forever” method of finding old tweets, then.

See, this joke works on two levels: mana is your magical energy in a video game and it’s also the name of the special food that God gave the Israelites to sustain them on their journey.

It’s the only place he hasn’t escaped from yet.

Things need to stop invading my orifices.

Remember when twerking was a thing?

Nautical jokes. You inlanders just wouldn’t understand…

Ha! Take that, you stupid jocks!

The Devil worships me.

Mark Twain is now rolling in his grave.

I’m always trying to collapse the universe.

In care you youngins don’t know, this is referring to The Three Stooges.

Well, that’s does it for today. Follow my Twitter, or don’t. Whatever.

Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #8

It’s some old tweets with a new attitude.

Actually, maybe don’t wear numbers on your face at all, jackass.

They should also comb their hair and stop sitting forlornly on the stairs with their hand on their forehead.

I always told little kids that there were the skeletons of children who got trapped in the ball pit at the bottom of the pit.

Seriously, my dream house is one that I can just take a high-pressure steam cleaner to when I want to clean it.

It would certainly make the House of Commons much more fun to watch.

I shouldn’t try to be philosophical.

It’s The Lord of the Rings joke.

I shouldn’t try to make jokes about The Talking Heads when I’m hungry.

Don’t eat Twizzlers. They’re full of crap.

Well, anybody with a fauxhawk, really. It’s just unprofessional not to shave the sides.

That was fun. I don’t remember writing any of these.