Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #33


Why does my name cause people so much trouble? I mean, it’s a word in the English language, even.

Have you ever even seen Sam Rockwell and Dax Shepard in the same room? I’m not convinced that they aren’t the same person.

YouTube: where you can see absolutely everything unboxed.

I like it when it suggests the hammer and sickle. Communism is awesome.

Abe Vigoda: the only human who was 94 for 70 consecutive years.

I also swallow gum. I’m a rebel.

It reached 47°C. I died several times. I don’t think that white people belong in Tucson, especially not ones as pale as me.

One day, I will be rich to travel around in tour bus. One day.

The sign outside of O’Hare International Airport says, “We have such sights to show you.”

I ended up not killing anybody. People should really thank me for every day that I don’t end up killing them.




Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #16

Postin’ muh twitz hur, because I donnae like Twitter’s infinite scroll.

Really, you can’t leave me alone at all.

I need to get me some vacuum-sealed containers.

This is funnier without context.

And do an percent sign or a dollar sign?

This was a really bizarre event. It was during the Polar Vortex and some little brat shouted something at me, which I didn’t hear because I was bundled-up in 17 layers. The next thing I know, his mom is insanely angry at me because I wouldn’t stop and watch what her little rugrat was doing. And to top it all off, the stupid kid was playing right in the middle of the street. There weren’t any cars because of all the snow, but it was kinda likely that a plow might round the corner and smush the kid.

Everything goes in the washer and dryer. EVERYTHING.

I am not a morning person. Invent for me more lazy morning foods.


I am a giant child.

Remember that time Wiarton Willie died and they replaced him with an imposter. Canadian conspiracies are silly.




Fun Things to Do On a Sunny Day

  • Share a malt with your best gal
  • Play soccer
  • Volunteer with your local youth group
  • Snipe hunt
  • Build a treehouse
  • Plant some hemlock
  • Train prairie dogs to do your bidding
  • Commandeer a small aircraft
  • Check on your moonshine
  • Try new and interesting wild mushrooms
  • Dig a giant hole
  • Glue pennies to the sidewalk
  • Break into the ape enclosure at the zoo
  • Look for treasure
  • Make a dress out of bees
  • Sing to old people, even if they tell you to stop
  • Get involved in a daring caper
  • Skip everywhere
  • Pick wildflowers and leave them as a tribute to a mailbox
  • Stand in the middle of a crowd and stare in one direction for hours
  • Rotate your giant compost heap
  • Take up falconry
  • Go to the town square and view the public execution
  • Build a church to one of the old gods
  • Impromptu Maypole
  • Follow some breadcrumbs
  • Find that witch that’s been stealing everyone’s firstborn and tell her to knock it off
  • Steal the gnome’s hat
  • Get your busker license and busk
  • Watch some TV

Winter Hope

I hope that we don’t have another polar vortex this year. We really don’t need another snowmegeddon, snowpocalypse or snownarok.

I hope I don’t have to break out my thermal underpants, just to walk the dog.

I hope that I don’t have to chug hot chocolate to stay warm. (I will do it anyway, though.)

I hope global warming causes a year-round summer.

I hope that I don’t have to do that thing where you wear, like, three pairs of socks, in order to keep your toes from freezing solid and falling off.

I hope that I don’t have to fight that yeti again this year.

I hope that I don’t have to fight Santa VS the Snowman.

I hope that they re-release Die Hard, so that I can see it on the big screen or the first time.

I hope that the snow never gets too high for the pizza delivery guy.

I hope that the snow doesn’t knock the internet out

I hope that the polar bears don’t get me.

I hope that the whore frost doesn’t steal my man.

I hope that I can find snowshoes in my size.

I hope that a snowy owl won’t claw my eyes out.

I hope that The Day After Tomorrow doesn’t happen and a glacier chases me down a hallway.

I hope for delicious mulled wine to loll me to sleep.

I hope for Emo Philips to LOL me to sleep.

I hope or a luxurious winter coat made from lemur pelts.

I hope that the stupid Polar Express, with its mutant dead-eyed children, stays the Hell away from me.

I hope that I become the new Queen of Winter.

Snowpocalypse Snowmageddon Snownarok

It snowed a lot.

a drawing of a person and a dog covered in snow

Like, it totally snowed everywhere, man. It snowed in the streets. It snowed on the roofs. It snowed in the fields.

How can our government allow this?

How can we hope to live normal lives when we’re constantly besieged from all sides by frozen water?



The roads got covered in snow. We should put all the roads underground, where they’ll be safe.



I have broken all my furniture down into kindling. When the snow comes for me, I’ll be ready for it.

What if the road to the Walmart gets closed? Where will I get the energy drinks that I need to survive!?

My feet were cold. I had to wear two sets of socks.

Wear a hat? But. But. But. HAT HAIR!

My dog was buried in the snow. I suppose I will see him again in the Spring.

Black ice. White ice. Can’t all the ice just get along?

I had to use a shovel to dig my way out. Manual labour in this day and age? The can make bacon mayonnaise technology, but they can’t give me snow-shovelling robot?

I look silly in these snow pants.