May You All Fight Valiantly on Black Friday
Are you out purchasing Christmas gifts yet? Well, you should be! The survival of our entire economy and, thus, very society relies on malls having a profitable Christmas season.
And aren’t material goods just the best? You can make a person think that you care for them without showing any true affection to them with material goods. Did we mention our blowout sale on diamonds? Diamonds are always a safe bet, because you don’t have to know anything about a person’s favourite colour or personal style, if you get them a giant diamond. Sparkly sparkly. Expensive expensive.
Tired of your annoying wiener kids? Get them a tablet or a game console, so that they can self-medicate their ADHD with constant stimulation. Later, get them a Fitbit for when they start embarrassing you with their unsightly fat asses from sitting around all day.
And don’t forget to keep stuffing your faces with meat and candy. As long as you’re chewing, you don’t have to talk to your relatives. This helps preventing slip-ups where you tell people what you really think and your great aunt gets all offended and junk and then your mother bitches at you about it for the rest of eternity.
Always stop of at the dollar store for stocking stuffer doohickeys. I guarantee you that they won’t end up in the junk drawer by February.
Anyway, buy me a widescreen TV. I, actually, need one. Because I have to watch things for research and stuff. Yeah, that’s it.
Winter Solstice Foods That I Hate
- Cranberry Sauce
- Peppermint Hot Chocolate
- Cinnamon Added to Random Things
- Dessert Squares of Indeterminate Origin
- Gingerbread Houses (Really? I’m supposed to eat something that’s been sitting out and has had little kids poking at it?)
- Holiday Editions of Snacky Cakes Filled with Red and/or Green Dye
- Food Shaped Like Angels, Jesuses or Crosses (Stars are acceptable.)
- Boxes of Chocolate with Cheap Bows Attached That They Charge You Extra For
- Chinese Food That Doesn’t Come With Fortune Cookies
- Maraschino Cherries (Especially the green ones.)
- The General Overuse of Cloves
- Jell-O Salad with the Incorrect Fruit
This Christmas, Get Me What I Really Want
People are in the habit of getting me things I neither want or need for Christmas and, not to sound ungrateful or anything, but, yeah, I’m a pretty ungrateful, horrible human being, I seek to avert the holiday misgivings this year.
If you wish to have a happy-as-pie Laurel this holiday season, unpack your limitless resources and time machine, and gather the following items for me.
Pepper Ann DVD – Pepper Ann was a redheaded, dorky smart-ass, just like me. Also, Clowny Appleseed rocked and those Warriors of Narn sure had some crude, yet mystical diving tools.
Daria DVD with the proper music – Daria was actually already released on DVD, but MTV couldn’t get the rights to all the music that was originally used, so they had to replace it with new music and I like things to be exactly how I remember them.
Miraculous Mellops DVD – This show was about some kids that had some baby aliens living in their toolshed, or some such weirdness. I don’t really remember a lot about it. I mostly just want to see the part where the aliens ascended into a higher form of being, flew into the sky and launched into an insane musical number.
The Bush Baby DVD – This was an anime about a little girl in Africa who had a bush baby as a best friend. They would foil the plots of poachers and stop wildfires and such. For the longest time, I wasn’t sure if this was an actual show or something that I just imagined, because I misremembered the bush baby as being a sugar glider and, thus, couldn’t find any information on it. To this day, I can’t find a single clip of the English dub.
Round the Twist DVD – This was a show about kids investigating supernatural phenomena and it was super fun.
And, yes, I am aware that these are probably available via nefarious means, but rips of VHS recordings of television are usually of poor quality and depressing to watch.
Brown Cow chocolate syrup – Brown Cow was the greatest chocolate syrup ever known to man. Don’t even try to talk to me about that Nesquik or Hershey’s nonsense. The world will never again know the sublime chocolaty flavour of Brown Cow and we are all lesser for it. Plus, it came in a super cute cow-shaped squeeze bottle, which I would like to put on my mantle.
Orbitz drink – Orbitz was this strange, uncarbonated fruit drink with tiny balls of gelatin floating in it, and it was an aberration. Seriously, it was really, really gross and the balls of gelatin felt unpleasant to swallow, but I want it anyway, because it was neat-looking and fun to shake up.
Tart N Tinys candy – These were like Runts in texture, only not as gross and much smaller.
Sometimes, you can find ancient foodstuffs like these hiding in mom and pop shops, but I want ones that are brand new and won’t give me food-ebola.
Toys From My Youth
Tinkle Tots – Tinkle Tots were little rubber squeeze toys that were shaped like naked babies. You would fill them up with water and squeeze them to simulate them peeing on things. I admire how politically incorrect this was. They were very similar to chew toys and my dog munched one.
Sky Dancers – Sky Dancers were ballerina dolls with wings on their arms. You would pull the ripcord on their launcher and they would fly into your brother’s face, scratching his cornea. Of course, they were recalled for being dangerous. I actually still have a few of these, but I want more.
Polly Pocket – I believe that Polly Pocket toys are still around, but they’re much bigger now. I want the ultra-tiny choking hazard kind from when I was little.
So, yeah, just get me a bunch of grody old toys off of eBay, so I can pretend that I’m 10-years-old for forever and ever and ever…