Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #32


According to the internet, this may not have been a meteor at all and may have been a flare that someone fired off, which just makes the event all that more bizarre. I guess someone was trying to signal for help and I didn’t come to their aid. :/

Does it still count as a fruit serving when it’s surrounded by chocolate?

The snuggle-pooch goes nuts for peas. He sits there and whines at me like he’s starving to death, until I give him my peas.


The Phlegmish are a very stuck-up and snotty people.

Hey, people building apartment buildings, include some sort of parcel drop-off box so that your tenants don’t constantly complain about their stupid Amazon crap getting stolen.

Mr. Falcon didn’t fly so good.

Maybe, I should have gone up and talked to him, even though I was carrying a bag of poop? People say that cute little dogs are babe-magnets, but they always fail to factor in all the poop.

Remember parity? Wasn’t that a golden age?

Are people taking bets on the date of my inevitable coronary event, yet?




Twitter Timewarp Tuesday #22

Nobody tweets like me. Nobody.

This is the type of thing I think is clever when I have a head cold.

Just when you think that the world has hit peak hipster…

I have fixed-gear rollerblades.

Oh, you don’t like it when people are out late, officer? Well, the dog has to pee when the dog has to pee.

Christmas is even creepier, though. Santa, snowmen and reindeer on a drought-ravaged lawn is just eerie.

You should see my guns.

You know Laurel, when most people go crazy, they do something fun like chew someone’s face off. You just do things like stick a div inside a div inside a div inside a div…

And then they did it again on two other separate occasions. So, basically, someone was puking in front of my house on purpose. I heard them once at about 4AM. I considered calling the police, but they would probably be long gone by the time the police showed up and what would you even charge them with?

And since it was winter, it froze and stayed there for weeks. Judging by how pink it was, this person was eating a lot of shrimp.

This is a story you needed to hear.

German compound words are fun!

I’m a lovely human being.



And now to return to my lair!

Cooking Fails

Here are some ways I have screwed up food:

  • Added cinnamon instead of chili powder to roasted tomatoes
  • Charred the outside of a hamburger while keeping the inside completely raw (a million times)
  • Had a chicken disintegrate in the slow cooker
  • Always burn things instead of caramelizing them
  • Microwaved bread
  • Burnt rice to the bottom of the pot
  • Added too much garlic to everything
  • Over-stirred various batters
  • Under-stirred various batters
  • Confused baking powder with baking soda
  • A mosquito landed in my drink and I drank it anyway
  • Stuck things to every non-stick surface
  • Set fire to some spiked coffee
  • Put things in the fridge instead of the freezer
  • Burnt my elbow
  • Got various spices in my eyes
  • Ate the cheese paper

The Donair Egg Rolls Weren’t Very Good

People were all like, “Donair is so good! You’ve got to try the donair”.

So, I get some frozen donair egg rolls from the grocery store, and it’s like bland sliced roast beef with no sauce inside the rolls, very boring. I take it that this isn’t how donair egg rolls are really supposed to be. The egg roll part wasn’t particularly good either. I’m not sure what kind of quality i was expecting from frozen food, but I’m still disappointed.

I think that I’m mostly mad at the egg roll part not being very good. The only Chinese food place in town went out of business and every Chinese food thing that I get from the grocery store is disappointing.

I keep trying to make egg fried rice, but I’m very bad at it. My timing is always off. I can never get it fried just that perfect amount. And restaurants must be adding some special ingredient to the eggs, because mine never taste like theirs. I’ve bought some MSG in an attempt to try and make my Chinese cookery more authentic, but I have no idea how to use MSG, so that may not have been the best idea. I should probably try to find some sesame oil as well, but I don’t think that they sell any around here. I could order some online, but it’s always a crapshoot with liquids whether they arrive broken and leaking everywhere.

Maybe I could get my food helicoptered in. Is there a billionaire out there who would like to send me meals every day via helicopter? That sounds like a fun rich guy thing to do. You should do it.

My Ear is Still Being Weird

Yeah, so, my ear is still making the weird rumbling noise. It’s now roughly in time with my heartbeat, which is ultra annoying.

I’m wondering now if it’s really goo, or maybe there’s something else going on here.

If there really are creatures living inside my ear, what should I name them? We have been very, very close over the last couple of days. It doesn’t seem right not to have a proper name to call them by.

Maybe there is an entire society living in my ear. Cute little towns stuck in my earwax. Farming ear mites. The little people can hear my thoughts. My corrupting influence leads them to violence and war. And then the rumbling sound stops. Forever.

Maybe I should stick a q-tip up there and jiggle it around a bit.

Mayhaps I shall go Van Gogh on this ear. That’ll learn it.

It’s the sound of my brain trying to escape. I just know it.

I’m probably just coming down with a cold and should chill out about worrying about the goo in my skull.

Half of My Head is Full of Goo

So, like, my sinuses and my ear on one side of my head are full of goo and it’s very unpleasant.

I don’t think I have a cold, because my nose isn’t running. I just woke up and there was a bunch of goo collected in parts of my head. I have allergies, maybe that’s it.

My does my faces even need sinuses. Can I have them removed or filled in with caulking?

Every couple of seconds, my ear makes this weird rumbling noise and I can’t get it to stop. I mean, I think it’s just goo stuck in there. I hope it’s just goo in there. I hope it’s not actually spiders trying to claw their way out of my skull. Although, having a swarm of spiders bursting from my head and attacking my enemies might be cool.

How do I get all this goo out? I tried a warm compress, but it didn’t do anything. I’ve tried drinking several hot beverages to try and steam the goo out, but that didn’t work either. I’ll try shoving a pipe cleaner up there later.

Maybe this is just my life now. From this day forth, I’m just Lala McGooface.