- Ball Bearings
- Bottle Caps
- Pieces of Gum
- Army Men
- Worry Dolls
- Pencil Shavings
- Peter Dinklage
- Breath Mints
- Knuckle Bones
I’m starting to think getting back into NaBloPoMo was a bad idea. I can’t think of anything to write. I don’t want to write. But the rule is that you must post every day for the entire month, and that’s what I’m going to do.
The weather: it’s pretty mild out still, but it’s very damp and keeps raining.
Music: I’ve been getting into Grace Jones lately.
Food: a metric crap-load of fun size chocolate bars counts as dinner, right?
Aspirations: someday, I’m going to own a big sports bar.
TV: I’ve been watching Gotham. I wonder if that one guy is the Riddler?
Pants: bootcut jeans
Jiggy: with it
Favourite Stooge: Moe
Ketchup or Catsup: ketchup
So I go to the store and I get myself 8 bottles of pop, a jug of milk and stick of butter. The checkout girl and the manager were all like, “Are you sure that you don’t want any help with that?” and I was all like, “Nah, I got this.”
And so, I grabbed all my bags, waltzed on out of the store and carried it all up the steep hill to the house.
My refusal to give in to the convenience of a granny cart has resulted in the formation of giant scary muscles in my arms.
I’m going to use my awesome muscles to punch stuff and commit supervillanry.
I talk to my dog a lot…
- Why do you have a moustache?
- Who said you could be a dog?
- What is your tail even for?
- What’s with all of these feets?
- Who is this guy even supposed to be?
- Why is your face so squishy?
- Why are you so tiny?
- Why are you so cute?
- Why don’t you wear pants?
- You’re just a moustache with a dog attached!
- You don’t even know what your butt is for!
- You don’t even know that you’re a dog!
- You’re just a miniature-sized bear-beast pretending to be a dog!
- You have a severe moustache disorder!
- You’re ridiculous!
- You just sit around in your pyjamas all day!
- You’re not a real dog!
- This guy is just a guy!
- You don’t have the proper license to be a dog!
- You’re the world’s most fuzziest guys!
- You’re the smallest guy that ever lived!
- You have a moustache!
- You’re tiny!
- You’re a bear!
- You’re my best guys!
- I’m going to eat you!
And, of course, he just stares back at me with a confused look on his face…
…But that’s how humans also respond to me sooooooo…
It snowed a lot.
Like, it totally snowed everywhere, man. It snowed in the streets. It snowed on the roofs. It snowed in the fields.
How can our government allow this?
How can we hope to live normal lives when we’re constantly besieged from all sides by frozen water?
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW AGAINST SNOW!
The roads got covered in snow. We should put all the roads underground, where they’ll be safe.
SOMEONE DECLARE A STATE OF EMERGENCY!
SOMEONE CALL IN THE ARMY!
I have broken all my furniture down into kindling. When the snow comes for me, I’ll be ready for it.
What if the road to the Walmart gets closed? Where will I get the energy drinks that I need to survive!?
My feet were cold. I had to wear two sets of socks.
Wear a hat? But. But. But. HAT HAIR!
My dog was buried in the snow. I suppose I will see him again in the Spring.
Black ice. White ice. Can’t all the ice just get along?
I had to use a shovel to dig my way out. Manual labour in this day and age? The can make bacon mayonnaise technology, but they can’t give me snow-shovelling robot?
I look silly in these snow pants.
AND THIS HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE YEAR!
His given name is Tibet, but, as he has travelled throughout this great land setting right what once went wrong, my dog has picked up many nicknames.
Here are some names my legendary dog goes by:
- Snorf Snarf
- The Poopster
- The Floofster
- The Woofster
- The Poopmeister General
- Mr. Dogs
- Mr. Dog Pants
- Mr. Poop Dogs
- Dogly Dogovitch
- Mr. Moustache Man
- Mr. Moustache Pants
- Mr. Mustard Sausage
- Mr. Sausage Pants
- Pork Chop Pants
- The Dog Bear
- Mr. Bears
- Dogtonio Banderas
- The Floofetty Fluff
- The Floof-Dog
- The Goof-Dog
- The Butt