Real Donairs are Better than Frozen Ones

Here is a bit of an update to the whole donair egg roll thing.

I went to one of the local restaurants here and got myself a donair platter and it was quite good. It was spicy shaved kebab meat, cheese and tomatoes on a pita, in many ways very similar to a gyro. The big difference is that donair sauce is sweet, whereas tzatziki, which often come with gyros, is tangy. The meat was spicier and less greasy than that in the frozen donair egg rolls, much better.

As a bit of an aside, the first restaurant we went to was actually closed, they haven’t posted their off-season hours online. What kind of restaurant closes at 7PM anyway?

I Made a Really Tasty Chicken Today

Oh, yeah, it was the best chicken what I ever did cook. I finally got the amount of the time in the slow cooker and under the broiler right.

And you can’t have any of it.

My chicken. MINE.

I ate most of it with carrots. You can’t have any of my carrots either.

I will probably eat the rest of the chicken tomorrow in a sandwich.

I like cooking chickens and I will continue coking chickens throughout most of my life. You will not be able to stop me.

I saw a chicken that could play tic-tac-toe at the fair once. I would even cook and eat a talented chicken such as that. I do not discriminate between chickens. All will see the inside of my belly.

What’s that thing where you only eat fish? An episcopalian? I’m like that, but with poultry. Oh, just looked it up and it’s a pollotarian. The internet is great. I could have gone my whole life without earning that, but I looked it up instantly on the internet. The future is now.

I wonder if you could teach that tic-tac-toe chicken to use the internet. It would probably spend all its time looking up pictures of cloacae.

Why did the chicken cross the information superhighway?

Cooking Fails

Here are some ways I have screwed up food:

  • Added cinnamon instead of chili powder to roasted tomatoes
  • Charred the outside of a hamburger while keeping the inside completely raw (a million times)
  • Had a chicken disintegrate in the slow cooker
  • Always burn things instead of caramelizing them
  • Microwaved bread
  • Burnt rice to the bottom of the pot
  • Added too much garlic to everything
  • Over-stirred various batters
  • Under-stirred various batters
  • Confused baking powder with baking soda
  • A mosquito landed in my drink and I drank it anyway
  • Stuck things to every non-stick surface
  • Set fire to some spiked coffee
  • Put things in the fridge instead of the freezer
  • Burnt my elbow
  • Got various spices in my eyes
  • Ate the cheese paper

The Donair Egg Rolls Weren’t Very Good

People were all like, “Donair is so good! You’ve got to try the donair”.

So, I get some frozen donair egg rolls from the grocery store, and it’s like bland sliced roast beef with no sauce inside the rolls, very boring. I take it that this isn’t how donair egg rolls are really supposed to be. The egg roll part wasn’t particularly good either. I’m not sure what kind of quality i was expecting from frozen food, but I’m still disappointed.

I think that I’m mostly mad at the egg roll part not being very good. The only Chinese food place in town went out of business and every Chinese food thing that I get from the grocery store is disappointing.

I keep trying to make egg fried rice, but I’m very bad at it. My timing is always off. I can never get it fried just that perfect amount. And restaurants must be adding some special ingredient to the eggs, because mine never taste like theirs. I’ve bought some MSG in an attempt to try and make my Chinese cookery more authentic, but I have no idea how to use MSG, so that may not have been the best idea. I should probably try to find some sesame oil as well, but I don’t think that they sell any around here. I could order some online, but it’s always a crapshoot with liquids whether they arrive broken and leaking everywhere.

Maybe I could get my food helicoptered in. Is there a billionaire out there who would like to send me meals every day via helicopter? That sounds like a fun rich guy thing to do. You should do it.

Winter Solstice Foods That I Hate

  • Fruitcake
  • Cranberry Sauce
  • Cider
  • Peppermint Hot Chocolate
  • Cinnamon Added to Random Things
  • Dessert Squares of Indeterminate Origin
  • Gingerbread Houses (Really? I’m supposed to eat something that’s been sitting out and has had little kids poking at it?)
  • Holiday Editions of Snacky Cakes Filled with Red and/or Green Dye
  • Food Shaped Like Angels, Jesuses or Crosses (Stars are acceptable.)
  • Boxes of Chocolate with Cheap Bows Attached That They Charge You Extra For
  • Chinese Food That Doesn’t Come With Fortune Cookies
  • Turnips
  • Gherkins
  • Maraschino Cherries (Especially the green ones.)
  • The General Overuse of Cloves
  • Jell-O Salad with the Incorrect Fruit

I Ate Half a Cake

Yeah, so, I ate half a cake today… And I kinda want to eat the remaining half.

I’m pretty sure that cake is actually good for you. We’ve all been deceived by BIG VEGGIE into believing that cake is bad for you.

I’ll have you know that humans were eating cakes for centuries before they were eating vegetables, and we all know that the ancient ways are he best. In fact, neanderthals made cakes out of an ancient grain long since lost to the annals of time and that’s what gave them their hardy delicious beards. They were the hairiest and hardiest of men. We should all turn into neanderthals again. It would be great.

Imagine it: roaming the plains, stark raving naked, covered in beards and free as a crazy rabbit or something.

That’s how man is supposed to live.

You can’t be a neanderthal with an iPad. Don’t even try. You’ll fail. You’ll fail like your mother failed at raising you. That’s the worst kind of failure.

Your mom would make a better neanderthal than you. Your mom has a better beard than you. You should have listened to her when you were a kid.

Your mom never baked you a cake for your birthday, though. Maybe that’s where the trouble started. The trouble always starts when you are a child. If only we cold skip childhood, then everything would be hunky dory.

Sometimes, I use the phrases of an 85-year-old. The stole the words from him when he was spewing his dying breath. It’s easy to steal things from dying people.

When I’m on my death bed, someone will probably steal my cake.