Winter Hope

I hope that we don’t have another polar vortex this year. We really don’t need another snowmegeddon, snowpocalypse or snownarok.

I hope I don’t have to break out my thermal underpants, just to walk the dog.

I hope that I don’t have to chug hot chocolate to stay warm. (I will do it anyway, though.)

I hope global warming causes a year-round summer.

I hope that I don’t have to do that thing where you wear, like, three pairs of socks, in order to keep your toes from freezing solid and falling off.

I hope that I don’t have to fight that yeti again this year.

I hope that I don’t have to fight Santa VS the Snowman.

I hope that they re-release Die Hard, so that I can see it on the big screen or the first time.

I hope that the snow never gets too high for the pizza delivery guy.

I hope that the snow doesn’t knock the internet out

I hope that the polar bears don’t get me.

I hope that the whore frost doesn’t steal my man.

I hope that I can find snowshoes in my size.

I hope that a snowy owl won’t claw my eyes out.

I hope that The Day After Tomorrow doesn’t happen and a glacier chases me down a hallway.

I hope for delicious mulled wine to loll me to sleep.

I hope for Emo Philips to LOL me to sleep.

I hope or a luxurious winter coat made from lemur pelts.

I hope that the stupid Polar Express, with its mutant dead-eyed children, stays the Hell away from me.

I hope that I become the new Queen of Winter.

I Ate Half a Cake

Yeah, so, I ate half a cake today… And I kinda want to eat the remaining half.

I’m pretty sure that cake is actually good for you. We’ve all been deceived by BIG VEGGIE into believing that cake is bad for you.

I’ll have you know that humans were eating cakes for centuries before they were eating vegetables, and we all know that the ancient ways are he best. In fact, neanderthals made cakes out of an ancient grain long since lost to the annals of time and that’s what gave them their hardy delicious beards. They were the hairiest and hardiest of men. We should all turn into neanderthals again. It would be great.

Imagine it: roaming the plains, stark raving naked, covered in beards and free as a crazy rabbit or something.

That’s how man is supposed to live.

You can’t be a neanderthal with an iPad. Don’t even try. You’ll fail. You’ll fail like your mother failed at raising you. That’s the worst kind of failure.

Your mom would make a better neanderthal than you. Your mom has a better beard than you. You should have listened to her when you were a kid.

Your mom never baked you a cake for your birthday, though. Maybe that’s where the trouble started. The trouble always starts when you are a child. If only we cold skip childhood, then everything would be hunky dory.

Sometimes, I use the phrases of an 85-year-old. The stole the words from him when he was spewing his dying breath. It’s easy to steal things from dying people.

When I’m on my death bed, someone will probably steal my cake.

My Ear is Still Being Weird

Yeah, so, my ear is still making the weird rumbling noise. It’s now roughly in time with my heartbeat, which is ultra annoying.

I’m wondering now if it’s really goo, or maybe there’s something else going on here.

If there really are creatures living inside my ear, what should I name them? We have been very, very close over the last couple of days. It doesn’t seem right not to have a proper name to call them by.

Maybe there is an entire society living in my ear. Cute little towns stuck in my earwax. Farming ear mites. The little people can hear my thoughts. My corrupting influence leads them to violence and war. And then the rumbling sound stops. Forever.

Maybe I should stick a q-tip up there and jiggle it around a bit.

Mayhaps I shall go Van Gogh on this ear. That’ll learn it.

It’s the sound of my brain trying to escape. I just know it.

I’m probably just coming down with a cold and should chill out about worrying about the goo in my skull.

Half of My Head is Full of Goo

So, like, my sinuses and my ear on one side of my head are full of goo and it’s very unpleasant.

I don’t think I have a cold, because my nose isn’t running. I just woke up and there was a bunch of goo collected in parts of my head. I have allergies, maybe that’s it.

My does my faces even need sinuses. Can I have them removed or filled in with caulking?

Every couple of seconds, my ear makes this weird rumbling noise and I can’t get it to stop. I mean, I think it’s just goo stuck in there. I hope it’s just goo in there. I hope it’s not actually spiders trying to claw their way out of my skull. Although, having a swarm of spiders bursting from my head and attacking my enemies might be cool.

How do I get all this goo out? I tried a warm compress, but it didn’t do anything. I’ve tried drinking several hot beverages to try and steam the goo out, but that didn’t work either. I’ll try shoving a pipe cleaner up there later.

Maybe this is just my life now. From this day forth, I’m just Lala McGooface.

This Christmas, Get Me What I Really Want

People are in the habit of getting me things I neither want or need for Christmas and, not to sound ungrateful or anything, but, yeah, I’m a pretty ungrateful, horrible human being, I seek to avert the holiday misgivings this year.

If you wish to have a happy-as-pie Laurel this holiday season, unpack your limitless resources and time machine, and gather the following items for me.

Nonexistent DVDs

Pepper Ann DVD – Pepper Ann was a redheaded, dorky smart-ass, just like me. Also, Clowny Appleseed rocked and those Warriors of Narn sure had some crude, yet mystical diving tools.

Daria DVD with the proper musicDaria was actually already released on DVD, but MTV couldn’t get the rights to all the music that was originally used, so they had to replace it with new music and I like things to be exactly how I remember them.

Miraculous Mellops DVD – This show was about some kids that had some baby aliens living in their toolshed, or some such weirdness. I don’t really remember a lot about it. I mostly just want to see the part where the aliens ascended into a higher form of being, flew into the sky and launched into an insane musical number.

The Bush Baby DVD – This was an anime about a little girl in Africa who had a bush baby as a best friend. They would foil the plots of poachers and stop wildfires and such. For the longest time, I wasn’t sure if this was an actual show or something that I just imagined, because I misremembered the bush baby as being a sugar glider and, thus, couldn’t find any information on it. To this day, I can’t find a single clip of the English dub.

Round the Twist DVD – This was a show about kids investigating supernatural phenomena and it was super fun.

And, yes, I am aware that these are probably available via nefarious means, but rips of VHS recordings of television are usually of poor quality and depressing to watch.

Discontinued Foodstuffs

Brown Cow chocolate syrupBrown Cow was the greatest chocolate syrup ever known to man. Don’t even try to talk to me about that Nesquik or Hershey’s nonsense. The world will never again know the sublime chocolaty flavour of Brown Cow and we are all lesser for it. Plus, it came in a super cute cow-shaped squeeze bottle, which I would like to put on my mantle.

Orbitz drinkOrbitz was this strange, uncarbonated fruit drink with tiny balls of gelatin floating in it, and it was an aberration. Seriously, it was really, really gross and the balls of gelatin felt unpleasant to swallow, but I want it anyway, because it was neat-looking and fun to shake up.

Tart N Tinys candy – These were like Runts in texture, only not as gross and much smaller.

Sometimes, you can find ancient foodstuffs like these hiding in mom and pop shops, but I want ones that are brand new and won’t give me food-ebola.

Toys From My Youth

Tinkle Tots – Tinkle Tots were little rubber squeeze toys that were shaped like naked babies. You would fill them up with water and squeeze them to simulate them peeing on things. I admire how politically incorrect this was. They were very similar to chew toys and my dog munched one.

Sky DancersSky Dancers were ballerina dolls with wings on their arms. You would pull the ripcord on their launcher and they would fly into your brother’s face, scratching his cornea. Of course, they were recalled for being dangerous. I actually still have a few of these, but I want more.

Polly Pocket – I believe that Polly Pocket toys are still around, but they’re much bigger now. I want the ultra-tiny choking hazard kind from when I was little.

So, yeah, just get me a bunch of grody old toys off of eBay, so I can pretend that I’m 10-years-old for forever and ever and ever…