- Cranberry Sauce
- Peppermint Hot Chocolate
- Cinnamon Added to Random Things
- Dessert Squares of Indeterminate Origin
- Gingerbread Houses (Really? I’m supposed to eat something that’s been sitting out and has had little kids poking at it?)
- Holiday Editions of Snacky Cakes Filled with Red and/or Green Dye
- Food Shaped Like Angels, Jesuses or Crosses (Stars are acceptable.)
- Boxes of Chocolate with Cheap Bows Attached That They Charge You Extra For
- Chinese Food That Doesn’t Come With Fortune Cookies
- Maraschino Cherries (Especially the green ones.)
- The General Overuse of Cloves
- Jell-O Salad with the Incorrect Fruit
My dog thinks he’s people. Like, really thinks he’s people.
Yesterday, he waltzed into the living room and complained about how hipsters are ruining everything. This is improper behaviour for a dog. Perhaps I have trained him badly.
He only eats kale and quinoa now. He’s on a paleo diet or something. Won’t even look at his kibble. Ever seen a dog scoff at something? I think that it’s him that’s really the hipster. Hipster dogster.
He owns an investment property on the west coast and he wants to purchase a small bungalow to rent out. I have tried using the spray bottle on him to deter this behaviour to no avail.
He has a credit card. He gets drunk and buys chew toys on Amazon. If I act more dominant, do you think that he will become more respectful with his purchases? I really want to be a pack leader.
I think that he’s doing drugs. Is he lashing out because he’s not stimulated enough? Maybe I need to take him for walkies more often, so that he can get enough exercise to not need to self-medicate.
He complains that I don’t respect his personal space. Ha! This is coming from the guy who will sit right next to my feet and lick his balls for an hour. Lousy hypocritical dog.
He says that he wants to take a year off of school to backpack around Europe and find himself. Duder can’t even find his own tail.
Yeah, so, my ear is still making the weird rumbling noise. It’s now roughly in time with my heartbeat, which is ultra annoying.
I’m wondering now if it’s really goo, or maybe there’s something else going on here.
If there really are creatures living inside my ear, what should I name them? We have been very, very close over the last couple of days. It doesn’t seem right not to have a proper name to call them by.
Maybe there is an entire society living in my ear. Cute little towns stuck in my earwax. Farming ear mites. The little people can hear my thoughts. My corrupting influence leads them to violence and war. And then the rumbling sound stops. Forever.
Maybe I should stick a q-tip up there and jiggle it around a bit.
Mayhaps I shall go Van Gogh on this ear. That’ll learn it.
It’s the sound of my brain trying to escape. I just know it.
I’m probably just coming down with a cold and should chill out about worrying about the goo in my skull.
So, like, my sinuses and my ear on one side of my head are full of goo and it’s very unpleasant.
I don’t think I have a cold, because my nose isn’t running. I just woke up and there was a bunch of goo collected in parts of my head. I have allergies, maybe that’s it.
My does my faces even need sinuses. Can I have them removed or filled in with caulking?
Every couple of seconds, my ear makes this weird rumbling noise and I can’t get it to stop. I mean, I think it’s just goo stuck in there. I hope it’s just goo in there. I hope it’s not actually spiders trying to claw their way out of my skull. Although, having a swarm of spiders bursting from my head and attacking my enemies might be cool.
How do I get all this goo out? I tried a warm compress, but it didn’t do anything. I’ve tried drinking several hot beverages to try and steam the goo out, but that didn’t work either. I’ll try shoving a pipe cleaner up there later.
Maybe this is just my life now. From this day forth, I’m just Lala McGooface.
People are in the habit of getting me things I neither want or need for Christmas and, not to sound ungrateful or anything, but, yeah, I’m a pretty ungrateful, horrible human being, I seek to avert the holiday misgivings this year.
If you wish to have a happy-as-pie Laurel this holiday season, unpack your limitless resources and time machine, and gather the following items for me.
Pepper Ann DVD – Pepper Ann was a redheaded, dorky smart-ass, just like me. Also, Clowny Appleseed rocked and those Warriors of Narn sure had some crude, yet mystical diving tools.
Daria DVD with the proper music – Daria was actually already released on DVD, but MTV couldn’t get the rights to all the music that was originally used, so they had to replace it with new music and I like things to be exactly how I remember them.
Miraculous Mellops DVD – This show was about some kids that had some baby aliens living in their toolshed, or some such weirdness. I don’t really remember a lot about it. I mostly just want to see the part where the aliens ascended into a higher form of being, flew into the sky and launched into an insane musical number.
The Bush Baby DVD – This was an anime about a little girl in Africa who had a bush baby as a best friend. They would foil the plots of poachers and stop wildfires and such. For the longest time, I wasn’t sure if this was an actual show or something that I just imagined, because I misremembered the bush baby as being a sugar glider and, thus, couldn’t find any information on it. To this day, I can’t find a single clip of the English dub.
Round the Twist DVD – This was a show about kids investigating supernatural phenomena and it was super fun.
And, yes, I am aware that these are probably available via nefarious means, but rips of VHS recordings of television are usually of poor quality and depressing to watch.
Brown Cow chocolate syrup – Brown Cow was the greatest chocolate syrup ever known to man. Don’t even try to talk to me about that Nesquik or Hershey’s nonsense. The world will never again know the sublime chocolaty flavour of Brown Cow and we are all lesser for it. Plus, it came in a super cute cow-shaped squeeze bottle, which I would like to put on my mantle.
Orbitz drink – Orbitz was this strange, uncarbonated fruit drink with tiny balls of gelatin floating in it, and it was an aberration. Seriously, it was really, really gross and the balls of gelatin felt unpleasant to swallow, but I want it anyway, because it was neat-looking and fun to shake up.
Tart N Tinys candy – These were like Runts in texture, only not as gross and much smaller.
Sometimes, you can find ancient foodstuffs like these hiding in mom and pop shops, but I want ones that are brand new and won’t give me food-ebola.
Toys From My Youth
Tinkle Tots – Tinkle Tots were little rubber squeeze toys that were shaped like naked babies. You would fill them up with water and squeeze them to simulate them peeing on things. I admire how politically incorrect this was. They were very similar to chew toys and my dog munched one.
Sky Dancers – Sky Dancers were ballerina dolls with wings on their arms. You would pull the ripcord on their launcher and they would fly into your brother’s face, scratching his cornea. Of course, they were recalled for being dangerous. I actually still have a few of these, but I want more.
Polly Pocket – I believe that Polly Pocket toys are still around, but they’re much bigger now. I want the ultra-tiny choking hazard kind from when I was little.
So, yeah, just get me a bunch of grody old toys off of eBay, so I can pretend that I’m 10-years-old for forever and ever and ever…
I’m starting to think getting back into NaBloPoMo was a bad idea. I can’t think of anything to write. I don’t want to write. But the rule is that you must post every day for the entire month, and that’s what I’m going to do.
The weather: it’s pretty mild out still, but it’s very damp and keeps raining.
Music: I’ve been getting into Grace Jones lately.
Food: a metric crap-load of fun size chocolate bars counts as dinner, right?
Aspirations: someday, I’m going to own a big sports bar.
TV: I’ve been watching Gotham. I wonder if that one guy is the Riddler?
Pants: bootcut jeans
Jiggy: with it
Favourite Stooge: Moe
Ketchup or Catsup: ketchup