Hey! Who wants to read some of my favourite tweets from the ancient days of yore? Nobody? Well, too bad!
There's no such thing as "pumpkin spice". It's pumpkin and a spice. A spice cannot be derived from a pumpkin.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 10, 2012
It’s artificial pumpkinesque flavouring and cinnamon.
@Laurel_Green You and two others….
— Eric Idle (@EricIdle) October 15, 2012
Yeah… So this one time, I bummed out Eric Idle over Twitter and then I felt really, really bad about it.
There's a Neocitran shortage. This is almost as bad as the tampon shortage. There's a worldwide conspiracy to kill me.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) October 20, 2012
Try surviving with only off-brand tampons and hot lemon drink. See how long you live.
When you say "I liked it before it was cool" that means you liked something that wasn't cool. Why would you like things that aren't cool?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 5, 2012
Yeah, hipsters, how do you respond to that?
I wish that I was @WilliamShatner. He gets to have all the fun.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 8, 2012
William Shatner better never die…
I've only ever eaten a Twinkie, like, twice in my entire life. Vachon cakes beat Hostess cakes any day of the week anyway.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) November 16, 2012
Seriously, American snacky cakes are the worst. How can they even eat that crap. Give me a Jos. Louis any day, though.
It's that time of year where I ask for a Jewels in the Attic game with all the cards again. Lousy boardgames going out of print.
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 12, 2012
Get me a Jewels in the Attic game with all the cards and in good condition, and I will be your friend for life.
What is a "Johnny Mathis", and why are the people in my house arguing about it?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 14, 2012
I still don’t know who Johnny Mathis is.
The Burgermeister Meisterburger has been kidnapped by Kringles. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the Burgermeister Meisterburger?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 17, 2012
If you sit on my lap today…
Kevin McCallister grows up to become that Saw guy, right?
— Laurel Green (@Laurel_Green) December 23, 2012
Think about it: the Home Alone series and the Saw series have a lot in common. The kid from Home Alone was obviously a sociopath, in any case.
Thanks for wasting time with me. Follow my Twitter for more stupidity, or don’t. Whatever.