Things That Should Exist

  • Notebooks with the Margins Always on the Outside Edge of the Pages
  • A Restaurant the Only Serves Potato Skins
  • Lettuce that Tastes Like Bacon
  • Edible Socks
  • Candy Coffee Mugs
  • Cube Shaped Taco Shells
  • Contact Lenses that Dissolve After 18 Hours in Your Eyes
  • Noise Cancelling Headphones that Only Block out the Noises of People Who You Don’t Like
  • A Glass Chair that’s Also Like a Lava Lamp or Something
  • Wearable Pizza
  • Edible LEDs
  • Hard Light
  • Knuckle Wigs
  • Ebook with Physically Turnable Pages
  • Glasses that Turn Every Image of Donald Trump into One of those Guys from They Live
  • Miniature Cows
  • A Pill that Can Get The Girl from Ipanema out of My Head
  • Gnome-Seeking Missiles
  • Infinite Monkey Simulator
  • Winking Marmosets
  • Licorice Pot Roast
  • Shrieking High Heels

We’re Doing Good

We’re doing good.

We’re exercising and getting into shape.

We’re taking time out of our busy day to spend some quality time with you.

We’re learning to cook different foods.

We’re taking up new and interesting hobbies.

We’re reading books and learning a new thing every day.

We’re volunteering in our communities and making the world a better place.

We’re planting trees and improving the environment.

We’re travelling and experiencing different cultures.

We’re adding to our savings accounts and planning for the future.

We’re bettering ourselves.

We’re doing good.

If I Were a Billionaire – Part 1

With the advent of social media, we’ve been given an unprecedented look into the private lives of the rich and famous. And what are these affluent individuals doing with their vast resources and spare time? Playing rocket-powered cybernetic water polo? Having every one of their individual hairs gold leafed? No. No, as far as I can tell from their status updates, rich celebrities spend most of their spare time sitting on their butts playing video games or watching TV. In fact, I’d say that they seem to spend a great deal more time on their butts than the average person.

Seriously, if I see one more tweet from a famous actor about how they’re eating Funyons and going on a Netflix binge…

a drawing of laurel green holding bags of money
money money money

But I digress. Their choices of what to do with their means is not what I would choose if I were in the same position. Who am I to judge? “Different strokes” and such.

But, hoo-boy let me tell you, if were a lady of wealth, there would be rich guy shenanigans and capers a-plenty. No butt-sitter would I be.

I would live in a tree house in the centre of a hedge maze. Dressing like David Bowie from the movie Labyrinth, I would taunt UPS men in their attempts to deliver packages to me. Anyone who traverses the maze will be rewarded with a ten-pound Wether’s Original.

Remember those annoying talking shoes from MC Hammer’s horrible cartoon Hammerman? I’d have a bunch of those genetically engineered and you’d all get a pair for Christmas.

I’d pay FOX to stop making more seasons of The Simpsons.

At night, I would disguise myself as a commoner and partake in their drunken revelry. A dawn, I would reveal myself as their queen and reward the serf who I was entertained by with the hand of my no-good brother, the Duke of Scarborough.

I would have Cadbury Cream Eggs enlarged to the size they were when I was a kid.

I would commission a giant pink flamingo statue to put on my front lawn. The flamingo will emit a low-level buzzing noise that will set visitors ill at ease.

I would have a dogsbody. I just like saying “dogsbody”.

I would start a league for the world’s most dangerous game: red rover. The uniforms will consist of tutus, moon boots and fuzzy cowboy hats. The trophy for winning will be a silver-plated sippy cup and, of course, the winning team will get to sip the finest Canadian beer from it.

I would finally be able to afford juice that’s actually 100% the fruit that it’s supposed to be. No more of this “cocktail” or “blend” nonsense.

There would be Magic Eye wallpaper all throughout my house. It would be stereograms of kittens frolicking, mostly. I don’t care if it would give me a constant headache.

I would stop doing that thing where, when I’m low on shampoo, I swish some water around in the bottle to stretch-out the remainder. I’d just buy a brand-new bottle, baby!

I would travel everywhere in a blimp, even just down the street to go pick up some groceries. I will have special attire just for wearing in my blimp, of course there will be goggles included in this outfit.

I would have a herald who will announce loudly the arrival of the mailman each day. He will list a bunch of fake titles for the mailman, such as “The Baron of Spam” or “The Marquis de Mail”. My herald will have a fancy trumpet.

I would have pants encrusted entirely in LEDs. The LEDs will have a slow pulse frequency causing a phantom array effect, so they’ll look really freaky when I walk.

I would use my influence to start a curly-toed show trend. If there can be a drop-crotch pants trend, then there can be a curly-toed shoe trend.

There would be a marble arena, wherein I would host twice-daily toddler fights free for viewing by the public.

If possible, I would have a genetically-engineered minotaur put in my maze, otherwise, I would just put a particularly ornery dairy cow in there. Moo.

I would assemble a team of teenagers with attitude to pilot my extensive collection of mecha and to run errands for me.

I would have a naked mole rat habitat in my living room. Guests would be regaled with various naked mole rat facts. It would be the highest honour for one of my naked mole rats to be named after you.

I would have a lifetime supply of new sock, so I would never have to such through my clothing for a matching pair ever again.

Basically, I would be a menace, if I were a rich person.